Radical Acceptance in the New Year
I haven’t created or committed to a New Year’s Resolution since I was 22 years old, when I gave up hot dogs after eating one from a street vendor on New Year’s Eve. For obvious reasons, that was a good choice and I held onto that commitment until I had my own children and hot dogs became a staple at birthday parties. I’m quite proud of that commitment! However, in general, New Year’s resolutions have never resonated with me because what seems to be an extreme all-or-nothing approach to change, challenges my natural striving for a balanced approach.
And yet, I’m drawn to the importance of transitions, including during the new year, reflecting on the quality of one’s experience, year to year. I don’t believe that January 1st dramatically offers anything new with the simple dawning of the day, yet we often hear things like “Goodbye to last year, hello New Year!” I believe it’s our desire to let go of what isn’t working, embrace new beginnings and start fresh. In our fast-paced world, we often don’t get the chance to pause and reflect on how our activities, relationships and behaviors are working for us.
As I reflect on the DBT skills that would be relevant in this transitional period, Radical Acceptance comes to mind. It’s a mature skill, often met with resistance due to confusion with approval vs. acceptance. Radical Acceptance encourages us to observe ourselves, others, our behaviors and situations as is, without judgment or applying expectations that things should be different. Acknowledging, or accepting, the current reality of a situation enables us to evaluate it realistically and plan for any necessary changes.
I’m humbled every day by the courage of our adolescent clients to observe and challenge their emotional and behavioral experience. Using Radical Acceptance with clients during natural times of reflection, such as the new year, can be a positive modeling of reflection and acknowledgment of your current capabilities. A time to pause and ask “How do I want things to change?” or “What am I currently doing well and want to continue?” I believe modeling observations of personal experience helps clients feel safe to acknowledge what they don’t know, normalizes the process of self-reflection and creates openness to alternative ways to respond.
At MindFit DBT Center, we’ve seen the skill of Radical Acceptance help clients with many challenges such as, the college admissions process, family divorce, relationship break-ups, academic performance, disciplinary actions, and cuts from sports teams.
I hope the new year allows you the time to reflect and willingly and radically accept where you are during this transition.
“Radical Acceptance rests on letting go of the illusion of control and a willingness to notice and accept things as they are right now, without judging.”
~ Marsha Linehan, The Developer of DBT Treatment